Knicks to Draft Craig Bradley

Dave Fizdale | Contributing Writer

To nobody’s surprise, the New York Knicks have finally confirmed rumors that they have been knowingly tanking this year in order to secure top draft pick – our own Head of School, Craig “Secret Weapon” Bradley.

“He’s got a killer crossover, blazing speed, and he’s deadly from behind the arc,” said New York Knicks Head Coach David Fizdale. “He’s really the complete player, and we’ll lose as many games as we can to get him.”

The Knicks’ brazen decision to openly admit to tanking has shaken coaches and executives around the league. Some have taken issue with the franchise’s lack of gamesmanship and called for the team’s owner and coach to be fined. NBA Commissioner Adam Silver said, “Honestly, I’m not even sure if the Knicks are allowed to draft this guy, so I’m not a fan of their tanking strategy.”

Some in the media have also questioned Fizdale’s judgment, seeing as Bradley and the Faculty team have lost three straight Stu-Fac basketball games. Bradley has taken these criticisms in stride, however, saying, “I wasn’t even trying in those games. I don’t want to get injured before the draft. If I wanted to, I could drop thirty on the entire student body before you could say ‘Je pourrais battre LeBron un à un.’”

Others worry that Bradley will have trouble balancing his duties as a Head of School with the daily NBA grind. His intense workout regimen calls for hours of practice in the gym followed by a full day of work. Bradley brushed off those concerns, saying, “The most important part of my job is being a leader for the kids. I have to demonstrate fearlessness; by pulling off sick windmill dunks on the pros, I’m setting an example for future generations.”

Though his height is listed at just 5’8’’, his 44 inch vertical and 4.3 40 yard dash speed allow him to dominate taller opponents. Zion Williamson, a freshman at Duke University, another coveted draft prospect, said, “I will never forget the first time I got swatted by Craig Bradley. He slapped the ball right out of my hands, stared me dead in the eyes and said, ‘Ton âme, s’il te plaît’.”

MAC staff are simply thankful Bradley will be practicing in another gym. Reportedly, he leaves shattered backboard glass on the field house courts every morning after his early a.m. dunk practice. Sources estimate that 13-15% of our school’s budget goes to glass replacement alone.

Fans across the nation eagerly await the day Bradley will finally step onto a professional court, but they’ll have to be patient for a few more months before he joins a team. For now, he’s content to school Hotchkiss students and adults alike who try to test him on the court. “His step-back is gross,” said Boys Varsity Basketball Captain Miles Brewster ’20. “He’s probably the only person at this school who can beat me one-on-one.”

The draft is set for June 20, when the Knicks are sure to pick up a once-in-a-generation talent.